Worst Since First?

*****

(Sorry this post appears to be long-winded…it’s actually a combination of two separate posts I was working on that I decided to combine! The future won’t be so verbose. I think.)

Audibly, and at first glance, you’d be hard-pressed to argue with the seemingly unanimous consensus that Season 9 of American Idol has not only given us the dismally unqualified Top 24 of all seasons, but the worst Top 12 too, a nadir of unparalleled incompetency.

Or has it?  I mean, I can address my own remonstrance by refusing to write about Idol up until these very sentences, on a rainy Sunday evening, without much reflection. But, without wanting to display too strong a philippic discourse about the failures of Season 9, is it really the worst?

Upon closer inspection, are we basing our despaired outcries on our conflated Idol academia, or a hypothesis spurred by our immediate fury? The battle cries of “worst ever” have been bandied every year about this same time, usually by the Idol cognoscenti, the bloggers and especially by Votefortheworst.com, who relishes it (and we all love VFTW!).

But, really, is this genuinely the epitome of the pits? Or are we ready to spelunk the storehouses of our minds to appear to countercheck our stentorian declaration?

Feh, don’t worry about it. I already did.

Season 1: Sure, we had classic voices in Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray and the good-not-great Christina Christian. But we also had runner-up Justin Guarini, lauded by the judges for a more-often-than-not vocal disability. And if that wasn’t peculiar enough, we also had to endure EJay Day (a replacement after a previous contestant’s disqualification), A.J. Gill, Nikki McKibbin (the single mother whose limited vocal ability actually knocked Gray from a more-deserving Top 3), RJ Helton and Ryan Starr.

Season 2: While the sophomore season brought us the soul-drenched tones of Ruben Studdard, the extraordinary Kimberly Locke and the polarizing Clay Aiken, it also gave us Rickey Smith, Julia Damato, Vanessa Olivarez, Carmen Rasmusen, Kimberly Caldwell and the (thankfully) disqualified Corey Clark (he beat up his sister. He denied. She recanted).

Season 3 birthed the indisputable ultimate Idol triumvirate of all in Fantasia, LaToya London and future Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson.  But, to recall that infamous evening when three of Idol’s most supreme voices suffered a bottom three deportment is to remember who was included in the safe zone…eventual final 2 pageant queen Diana DeGarmo, the spurious John Stevens and the most talent-free Top 3 finisher of all, Jasmine Trias, whose climb to top 3 status over LaToya London remains one of the bleeding scabs in Idol’s then short history (talented George Huff was the outsider in that trio). Add in that season’s John Peter Lewis, Camille Velasco, and Matt Rogers and does season 9 seem all THAT bad?

Season 4’s victor actually wasn’t season 4’s best singer (sorry Carrie fans – Bo Bice was robbed – and so was Nadia Turner), but there’s no denying Underwood’s talent – or popularity – she’s now Idol’s top seller ever. There IS, however, an argument of questionability for the likes of Scott Savol, Anwar Robinson, Anthony Federov and Lindsey Cardinale. Not to mention smarmy, future Tony-nominee Constantine Maroulis.

Season 5’s Top 2 remains, after all these years, the archetype of the depths of despair.  Guided to victory by a compendium of bored, fat hausfraus calling themselves the Soul Patrol, the soul-free Taylor Hicks remains the most anemic, head-scratching winner yet, followed by the sterile, soul-free Katharine McPhee. And if the Top 2 weren’t excruciating enough, #s 3 and 4 were two of Idol’s most gifted and popular male vocalists, the soulful Elliott Yamin and rocker Chris Daughtry, respectively. Of course, along the way, for every remarkable Paris Bennett, there was a Bucky Covington, Ace Young, Lisa Tucker, Kevin Covais, resident sub-par diva Mandisa, and of course, historically Idol’s biggest bad joke this side of Sanjaya, Kellie Pickler.

Again, how’s this current season looking now?

The 6^th season found Idol’s single greatest voice this side of Fantasia in a shy back-up singer, masterful vocalist Melinda Doolittle, who had to suffer a third place finish behind a beat boxing Blake Lewis and a pedestrian Amazonian Jordin Sparks (who Randy proclaimed the greatest 17 year old vocalist he’s ever heard. Yes, he said that), even though there was never a single week Doolittle wasn’t superlative. But in comparison to the repulsive Justin TimberFake, Chris Richardson, the skimpily clad Haley Scarnato, and the apocalyptic Sanjaya Malakar, Jackson might be excused for his abject hyperbole. Of course, watching Phil Stacey and Chris Sligh couldn’t have helped.

Season 7s recital had, arguably, the most over-abundance of talent. Or perhaps the good were so good that it negated the bad and the ugly.  Strong vocalists were in wealth (David Hernandez, Amanda Overmyer, Carly Smithson, Michael Johns), others were weaker links, appealing to their fan base, but curios to many of us (Jason Castro).  However, it was the year of Kristy Lee Cook, whose shrill Country vocals – and Red State pandering – made Kellie Picker sound like Aretha Franklin in comparison.  Curiously, Syesha Mercado – the season’s obligatory “diva” who was good, but not good enough to earn that status – made it to the Top 3, despite being in the bottom three for more weeks, I believe, than anyone in Idol’s history.

And the “Battle Of The David’s” was a thrilling finale insomuch that Archuleta and champ Cook both equally deserved the title. Of their final showdown I wrote, “That each David ascended this far is not a testament to mere ‘popularity’, although that too cannot be denied, but by the sheer force of will – each one with an intrinsic passion of music, and the endowment by-way-of nature to share that with a sometimes callous audience”

Season 8 began with a flawed, universally condemned parade of inept new changes. They unnecessarily added a 4^th judge, Kara DioGuardi, resurrected the Wild Card round for the first time since season 3, and instituted a failed experiment with the convoluted – and absolutely iniquitous – Top 36 debacle: the 36 contestants performed in three groups of twelve for three weeks; out of each of those groups, 3 finalists automatically made the top 12/13, the top male and female, and the next highest vote recipient of the remaining ten. The Wild Card round added the final three (that year, they threw in a 4^th to make it a final Top 13). This grave error in judgment disallowed the viewers to experience the singers grow weekly (thus eliminating great vocalists like Ricky Braddy – possibly the season’s best male vocalist – Mishavonna Henson, Felicia Barton and Ju’Not Joyner). And if that was unjust enough, the judges inaugurated the stupefying “Judges Save”, a veto power they could use only one time, on one eliminated contestant at any point of the competition – sparing them from elimination on the one Idol they deemed worthy to save. In other words, to go against the will of the voters.

We saw for the first time in memory, sympathy voters en masse, as Danny Gokey, with a howl and a prayer, prostituted his dead wife ad nauseum (and still doing so to sell his appalling new CD) all the way to an undeserved Top 3 finish, ahead of the more deserving, exemplary dynamo Allison Iraheta.  Also, blind piano man Scott MacIntyre – more Ray Conniff singer than Ray Charles – rode his ebullient aplomb to a Top 8 finish that his cauterized voice had no right to take him in the first place.

We witnessed a Top 12/13 of over-hyped hacks (Lil Rounds, the mandatory diva that wasn’t, confounding the judges’ innate egos), of arrogant pricks (atonal Anoop Desai, a surprise 13^th wild card choice – resulting in an unlucky baker’s dozen for the rest of us), overvalued karaoke second-rates (Alexis Grace, Matt Sarver) and Wild Card pick Megan Joy, who started the season off as the quirky girl with the Duffy-esque voice but quickly morphed into a dissonant full-blown Idol menace. Jorge Munoz was a gifted vocalist sent home far too soon, but Jasmine Murray proved her sole Idol moment never lived up to her audition.

Luckily, the Top 5 saw talented, assured artists (the bloviated Danny Gokey notwithstanding) in Matt Giraud (who the judges saved, after already being voted off twice in prior weeks), the astonishing, aforementioned Allison Iraheta, and the greatest finale since, well, the previous season. Both Kris Allen and Adam Lambert were deserving winners – both gave weekly recitals that were more akin to professional concert settings than Idol deserved, although the reserved Allen’s victory over the more theatrical Lambert started a fan war unlike anything Idol’s ever seen.

*****

So, is this Top 12 any worse than previous seasons, as our initial reactions portended? It’s hard to say at this point in time.  Save for 2 or 3 girls, there hasn’t been a single Idol that lives up to the anti-hype that has been drummed in our heads. But I wouldn’t rule it out.

In fact, last week’s results show ousted a singer I was sure would breeze her way to the top 3 or 4. Weeks ago I posted a tweet saying, “Bottom line, 3 months from now, lets just see a Lilly Scott / Crystal Bowsersox finale and call it a season?” Bowersox is the clear front-runner thus far. Her stunning, earthy vocals, her musicianship and her overall likability factor – oh, yeah, and her terrific performances – have cemented the oft-used “one to beat” mantra.  But so sure I was that Scott’s vocals were clearly one of this season’s brightest that she was one of the few who could possibly take it to the limit.  Once she was ousted, I concurred with Scott’s assessment, “I don’t know what America wants to hear!” I don’t mean to negate ALL of this years XX chromosomes…Siobhan Magnus’ powerful pipes are not to be ignored in the weeks to come as she’s quickly becoming the dark horse of the season; if her kooky persona doesn’t prove too bizarre for the rest of America, her vocal prowess could easily take her top 3 or 4, if not to victory. And despite the judges’ caution, Didi Benami’s supple, mellifluous tones could render her a contender as well.

My distaste for the remaining female contestants isn’t a secret.

Lacey Brown holds the most promise of these three. Losing her bid last season thanks to Megan Joy’s climb the vocally similar Brown proved to be the more proficient progeny of the Duffy School Of Quirk, but Joy was a beautiful blonde with a more physical appeal, and in Idol’s eyes, that’s always the deal breaker. This year, they accepted Brown on less superficial means, but so far, she hasn’t generated any sympathy with her ersatz version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” or her pretty, if ordinary, take on Brandi Carlile’s “The Story”.

Katie Stevens is this year’s Diana DeGarmo, a perkily annoying 16-going-on-40 year old – early on, her bombastic, vacuous voice purveyed the judges to proclaim she’s a front-runner, but her performances so far display a shaky vocalist signifying nothing but a yearn for adulthood she’s not ready for. She might get better, but I don’t place any bets.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that the teenage girls in the audience won’t latch onto Idol’s answer to Miley Cyrus.

Nothing will convince me that Paige Miles’ Top 12 raison d’être wasn’t an egregious slight of hand via the powers that be (yep, I’m calling “FIX!” unless we’re allowed to actually see results). A week earlier found Idol quickly losing color, as 4 of its minority singers were voted off the stage to cries of racism (JHud, Fantasia and LaToya in the bottom 3 in S3 might be construed as racist. This elimination was mere musical justice).  That wasn’t about to happen again – Paige-less, Season 9 would have been the very first ever in which the obligatory black female singer did not rise to the upper echelon’s of Idol’s Top 12.  Methinks something’s afoul here.

Foul or not, nothing bears the stench more than the remaining 6 male contestants.  In fact, they should do away with ALL the guys this year and start from scratch. A do over. We forget the err in judgments, oh mighty powers that be, and we’re easy to forgive. You just need to do the right thing.

Moot imploration, I surmise.

Well, if Nickelback is welfare Nirvana, and Daughtry (during Idol, refreshing. Outside Idol? Not so much) second-rate Nickelback, does that make Lee DeWyze Section 8 Daughtry? So far, the answer is a thunderous YEP!

Andrew Garcia has proven to be a one-trick pony, utilizing a shtick the world went gaga over during the Hollywood rounds, where he stripped Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” from a dance pop ditty to a one man acoustical jam. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before (most notably by Kris Allen), but the unremitting cries of “brilliant” defines the judges’ histrionics.  Now all Garcia hears is that he’s “peaked”.

Casey James is very pretty. Yep – and all that glitters is not gold.

Is America ready for a fey 16 year old Country singer with a voice that sounds like Regan McNeil (or Stevie Nicks circa 1994)? A tuneless, wobbly Aaron Kelly proves that the little girls just don’t understand.

Michael Lynche made Kara “cry” (I love water-free tears) with his take on “This Woman’s Work”, and Ellen proclaimed he’s now the one to beat.  Randy and Simon jumped in with their own hosannas.  Me? I see a naked emperor. After turning James Brown’s “It’s A Man’s World” into a Wayne Newton revue the previous week, Lynche morphed the classic Kate Bush-via-Maxwell’s haunting and introspective masterwork into an oleaginous, shticky lounge act, with added kicks, finger snaps and growls.  Indefensible.

Tim Urban. Votefortheworst’s pick. Nuff said.