When the announcement for Idol’s Top 4 mentor was declared, I was befuddled, to say the least. Sure, having Lady Gaga as “tutor”, so to speak, was a brilliant move – if anything, Fox can expect a spike in viewership en masse as the girl formerly-known-as-Stephanie Germanotta was sure to attract a couple million “little monsters” to a TV show they’d normally rebuke. But why the hell is the (arguably) most popular female singer on the planet (ah, remember those days, Madonna?) mentoring these final 4 in a category as archaic (albeit, one as rich as the Argyle Diamond Mines) as Leiber & Stoller? Especially when the show was paired off in a dual (duel?) themed week with the treacly fatuousness of “Songs That Inspire”. I mean, love her or loathe her, no one beseeches more passion or inspiration into her fans – or her art – than Gaga.
(Just for a historical reference, the last time TPTB at Idol doled out the “The Songs of Leiber And Stoller” theme, the results were far from terrible. In fact, it was Season 5’s Top 5, (a theme week shared with “Current Billboard Hits”), and in that bleak season, it was 3/5s a solid showcase. It was the week that Carrie Underwood – who sang “Trouble” [my grade B+] – actually showed a pulse after weeks of robotic, soulless servitude, Bo performed a nearly vocally flawless “Stand By Me” [my grade A-], and Idol miscreant Scott Savol proving charitable with his finest vocal to date with “On Broadway” [my grade B+]. The beautiful Vonzell Solomon’s shaky “Treat Me Right” [my grade B-] and Anthony Federov’s aptly titled “Poison Ivy” [my grade C-] were the weakest links for that first half of the recital).
But, antiquity aside, it was the second week counting where I literally cursed, screamed, hissed and fulminated at my television to the point where my neighbors might have called 911 for fear of domestic violence. Sure, booing and abjuring these three judging toadstools has become so orthodox that it’s almost comical. But if I’m thankful of anything, it’s that there are only two more weeks left of their obliviousness and palpable disdain for Haley. As in weeks past, when James figuratively vomits all over the stage in a cacophonous display of mastication and bile during “Don’t Stop Believing” he’s “setting the bar”. Yet, the “confused” Randy actually had the audacity to critique Haley’s “Earth Song” with: “…it felt like you were screaming!” (In a season of Jackson derisory doodads, this one is the most laughably ironic). They’re confused by Haley’s lack of artistry yet declare Scotty ready for a slew of sold-out shows at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium. The ire is conspicuous and copious – as is my revulsion.
Listen, I understand that Reinhart was less than stellar during “Earth Song” – at times slipping into her faux proclivities that had me detached from the start of the season until recently, and nearly getting swallowed by the dramatics of the production – but, without excusing the growling overload, “Earth Song” is one of Michael Jackson’s most turgid atrocities in a canon so rare of them. I won’t blame the song solely – but Reinhart was Maria Callas compared to Durbin’s Charlie Callas. Reinhart – perhaps in intestinal fortitude and revolt to the judges’ cruelty (e.g. when Ryan asked Randy who won the first round, he burped “James/Scotty/Lauren”) – came back swinging. Her “I (Who Have Nothing)” was a splendid “FUCK YOU!!!” to a quartet (you have to add Nigel to the mix) that deserved the ire, and in a case of déjà vu all over again, it brought the panel to their feet. After her performance, I couldn’t help but think of the title of another ancient, minor L&S hit for The Coasters. It was called “Idol With The Golden Head.” Indeed.
Durbin’s ad absurdum is provided beyond merely his readiness to waver off pitch on uncomplicated tunes for the sake of the screech (it’s also via his imperturbable haughtiness). So imagine the audacious lunacy of attempting Steve Perry. Journey may or may not be – depending on whom you ask – one of the worst rock and roll bands of all time, but Perry’s range is extraordinary. Teetering on the paper-thin border of competent schlock-rocker and vocal pest, where his fustian antics can’t masquerade such dichotomies, his “Don’t Stop Believing” was absolutely untenable. But since his “Love Potion No.9” epitomized the 1980s hair-metal Velveeta years, there’s no irony that Durbin actually covered not the 1959 Clovers smash, but the 1989 Beau Nasty version. And adequately enough.
Corniness is next to godliness in Idol, so instead of dancing around the spokes of their wheelhouses, Scott and Lauren dived head first into their predisposed snug terrain. McCreery will, no doubt, be lambasted for choosing Alan Jackson’s reflective, genuine post-9/11 tribute days after the demise of Osama Bin Laden, but I’ll cut the kid some slack and assume he’s not that calculating or smarmy. Comparisons to Kristy Lee Cook’s heinous Red State pandering (with the execrable “God Bless The U.S.A.” back during season 7) commenced almost immediately throughout the Twitterverse, but these accusations are regrettable and risible; McCreery has to cater to absolutely no one – he’s never been headed anywhere but the finals. But more significantly, Cook was a vocal terrorist and her choice to pollute the Idol stages with the worst song of the 1980s was clearly a premeditated imploring to the bible-belt. That she made it into the Top 12 that season meant the terrorists partially won.
What I won’t do is excuse McCreery’s emaciated mumblings here; you couldn’t find the simplicity of the melody with a richter scale and his difficulty enunciating the lyrics was addling. His L&S number fared no better as “Young Blood” just proved his twangy joke stance that his naysayers have been declaring all along.
Singing is not relating, and disconnection has been a problem for most of this season’s baker’s dozen. Alaina, especially, who also has the unfortunate disability of insecurity and self-doubt. I was happy that she rediscovered some mojo for the Martina McBride inspirational number and delivered her best vocal yet (McBride is one of Country’s greatest vocalists, so it’s no easy task), though her “Trouble” will be automatically compared to Carrie Underwood’s aforementioned Season 4 L&S night recital, and her childish fooforaw about not wanting her fans to think she’s “evil” (that’s a lyric in the song) pushed her into near Kelly Pickler territory, yet wasn’t the least of the numbers problems: someone needs to tell Alaina that Tyler is not Mario Lopez and Idol ain’t Miss Teen USA. In performance and production, it defined pomp pageantry.
With two weeks to go and my already-compromised patience at it’s most restive, I surmise that, despite the squalor doled, I can actually take a moment of gratitude and unmitigated solace that, during this twofold theme night (and especially with “inspiration” as one theme), there wasn’t a Lusky Stank in sight.
Say Amen, somebody!
Inspirational Songs:
James Durbin
Song: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”
Grade: C
Haley Reinhart
Song: Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song”
Grade: B
Scotty McCreery
Song: Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)”
My grade: B-
Lauren Alaina
Song: Martina McBride’s “Anyway”
My grade: B+
Leiber & Stoeller:
Haley Reinhart
Song: Shirley Bassey’s “I (Who Have Nothing)”
My grade: A-
Scotty McCreery
Song: The Coasters’ “Young Blood”
My grade: C+
Lauren Alaina
Song: Elvis Presley’s “Trouble”
My grade: B-
James Durbin
Song: The Clovers’ “Love Potion No. 9″
My grade: B
Amen